Well. This isn't the most cheerful post.

About two weeks ago, we made the extremely painful decision to have Sookie put to sleep.

After spending a weekend with my little niece and nephew, it finally dawned on me...We wouldn't EVER be okay with having Sookie around kids. Even if she improved leaps and bounds with training, she would still remain a dog with poor bite inhibition, who we knew for a fact had extreme issues and WOULD bite when afraid. How could we let a dog like that around children? How could we live with ourselves if she ever hurt someone?

After many hours of talking and tears, we decided the best thing would be to take her to the vet. We couldn't expect someone else to accept the liability if we ourselves could not, and it would have been inhumane to just put her in a shelter where she would be terrified and ultimately put down because of her temperament anyway.

We were able to be with her the whole time, and it seemed to be very peaceful. She was such a good girl.

I really miss her.

Sometimes, I really just want a Sookie-style face lick or cuddle session. When I get out of the shower, I still somewhat expect to see her lying on the floor towel waiting for me. And I miss her whole body-wiggle tail wag. I miss her.

But, I think it was for the best. Gatsby has been so much more calm...I didn't realize how much of an effect she was having on him. We are able to do so much more now, and we are trying to appreciate it. We took Gatsby down to Dead Horse Beach at low tide and let him off the leash to run around. He really enjoyed frolicking in the water and chasing sticks and seagulls. To be honest, he doesn't seem to be grieving. I actually think he likes having our undivided attention again.

Well, I raise a toast to my Sookie-girl. We really loved you and miss you a lot. I hope wherever you are now, you have found the peace you couldn't find here.

<3

Up and Down

I am a terrible blogger, huh? I'm sure it will only get worse once school starts. Oh wellll.

Sookie was having a great few days! And now a tough couple of days. I was so proud of her! We were able to walk past a dog and many other distracting noises, and she kept her focus on me without reacting just two days ago. But then yesterday, we back-slid a little bit when she freaked out at a passing golden doodle. Today we haven't had any incidents, but she was just super on-edge when I took her out. It's frustrating.

So I took Gatsby to the dog park for the first time in Salem, and the first time in many months! I was hoping it would be empty since it's so hot and muggy today, and it's a weekday. It wasn't totally empty, so I almost didn't take him in; but, after doing some training on leash on the path, I decided it would be OK. And he did great! It was too hot for any of the dogs to get into any real mischief, and the few other dogs there were very friendly and well behaved. It's always a relief to see how well Gatsby can do out in public, and it's relaxing for me to remember how easy it can be. We got to practice some recalls (with peanut butter as the reward!) and he did very well. Now he is totally sacked out and panting like a fiend.

I think about Sookie a lot, and what the "right" choice is with her. The trouble is that I really love her, and there are many ways that she is a great, loving pet. I really wish we had a yard; I think that would make the situation seem a lot less terrible. I guess I keep coming back to the fact that she deserves to be loved and cared for, and we made the promise that we would do that when we adopted her. Obviously, public safety is more important, but I think that we are doing everything we can do to keep her under our control, and until the balance is tipped to the point where I think there are more risks than benefits, I have to keep working with her, and loving her, and caring for her.

I read this article in the August issue of Yoga Journal about the philosophy of compassion and it has been popping up in my mind every time I reflect on Sookie. In the article, the author talks about a parable where a farmer has repeated ups and downs, and they all build on each other (ie, his horse runs away and everyone says how unfortunate he is, but then horse comes back with a whole herd of stallions, and everyone says how fortunate he is! But then his son is injured riding one of the wild stallions, and everyone says how unfortunate! But then there is a draft for the army, and the son does not get recruited because he was injured, and everyone says how fortunate! And each time the farmer responds, I do not know yet if I am fortunate, or unfortunate, all I know is my horse is gone right now/I have a whole herd of horses, etc). And I guess the moral of the story is that we never really know why certain things happen to us, and where exactly they will lead us. So instead of reacting to every thing that happens to us, we need to respond with compassion, and also a certain amount of indifference. We can only control our own actions.

I do not know yet if I am fortunate or unfortunate, all I know is that I have a troubled dog who needs extra love and training. And I do not know yet where that will lead me.